Almost every day in Nordstrom's Special Occasion Dresses department I see a frantic, middle-aged woman who looks completely miserable, pawing through our racks or frozen in the middle of the sales floor by trepidation. I have come to recognize, on sight, these clients as our mothers of brides and grooms, most of whom haven't the first clue what to wear to their child's wedding, or where to begin. So many factors to consider when choosing the right dress! Of course, she wants to make sure she's not too ostentatious or colorful and that she won't clash or stick out in photos, because it's her child's day and she doesn't want to seem competitive towards her soon-to-be child-in-law's mother, or as though she's trying to look too young.
Usually our conversation begins with something like, "well, the bride is going to be in ivory lace, and the bridesmaids are going to be in taupe taffeta and her colors are slate, burnt orange and fuchsia, so..." And then of course outlining the specifications of the dress determined by the mother's real or imagined bodily, skin tone and bone structure flaws. All of which must be listed and stressed. And we must attend to the rules, such as matching the other child's mother. Or not matching her. And not wearing white. But maybe ivory is ok. And only tea-length with sleeves is acceptable. By the time the mother has rattled off her entire ream of information, all of which seems to be one antiquated fashion commandment or other, she's usually out of breath and chagrined at the force of her verbal dump. This is where I step in, look her in the eyes and say, "the rules are dead, baby".
Sorry to hit you with that tough reality. But the rules are dead, and that's a good thing. What was once proper mother-of-the-bride attire is now being worn by grandmothers-of-the-bride, for one. It's now ok to wear black to weddings because it's considered elegant, no longer funereal. Let me provide you with suggestions for managing the stress of finding a great outfit for your child's wedding. You want to look your best, but in an understated, elegant way. You hope to fit in perfectly with the tone of the wedding, and naturally want to look as good as, if not a touch better than, your child's fiance(e)'s mother. That last part is between us, I'll never tell. The best things you can do to stay sane and find something lovely are stepping back and looking at the big picture, getting yourself great shapewear (and wearing it while shopping) and being open to suggestion.
The big picture has nothing to do with the color of the bride's flowers, the groomsmens' ties or the centerpieces. Information critical to choosing a dress is about the wedding itself. Period.* Answer these questions: where is the wedding? when is the wedding? what time of day will the wedding be held? Thinking about dress choice from a seasonal and time of day perspective will help you narrow your focus. So will knowing the dress code. Some quick guidelines (which are not to be confused with hard-and-fast rules): morning or afternoon weddings tend to call for lighter, brighter colors and fabrics. Think prints, linen and flow-y silhouettes. Perfect for outdoor weddings. And spring and summer weddings. Fall and winter weddings, indoor weddings and evening weddings are about richer colors and more substantial fabrics. Black tie (where men are in tuxedos) typically mean floor-length gowns for women, though short dresses can become black tie with the right shoes and accessories (we can discuss these finer points in a later post, or email me). Example: for a formal evening wedding in Seattle in October, I would choose fabrics such as lace, matte jersey and brocade in colors like navy, black, eggplant or royal. Definitely some type of warm wrap, like a pashmina. And no sandals. Too casual and summery. Peeptoe pumps for sure.
Most department stores carry a wide array of the new and improved, highly advanced and miracle-working shapewear. It's all lightweight and comfortable, and comes in a wide variety of different shapes, styles and tensile intensities. Go grab the Spanx bodysuit that comes up to just under the bust, and down to mid-thigh like bike shorts. Wear it shopping. You will like what you see much better, and you will feel far more comfortable in most dresses. The key information during try-on isn't about what parts of your body you're least happy with and how you're going to hide them. You're your own worst critic, and you will always see any real or imagined "flaws" (if you must) magnified about a zillion times greater than what the general public and your family sees. I have two key pieces of advice for dealing with the mirror, step back four feet and never look at the side view. We all stand far too close to the mirror to have a realistic impression of what the world sees. No one stands as close to us as we do to a mirror, and anyone who does loves us totally. And no one looks good in profile, really. It's just not a flattering angle, so forget it. Focus on three major components of the event: eating, dancing, hugging. Do you feel you'll be able to do all three comfortably in the dress? Try a couple steps and give an air hug. If the dress feels good when you're moving around, it's a contender. Do you believe you'll have to starve yourself that day to feel the dress fits well? Then it's not the dress. The dress serves as an external decoration of the woman wearing it. It needs to work with her personality and attitude. Feeling comfortable and elegant are the goal for most women I've worked with.
Finally, try not to be rigid about what you're willing to try on. Don't assume that because you've not worn a particular style or fabric or color that you can't. You're probably wrong. More often than not, the dress I suggest that is immediately rejected as seeming to have zero potential on the hanger, where the mother must be cajoled into just TRYING it, ends up being the dress. Be open to surprise at what looks good on you. Nothing makes your salesgirl feel more smug than you walking out with a smile on your face and a radiant glow because the right dress was that one you never would have picked out. Email me if you want further elaboration, or help with a search of your own: katethed@gmail.com
*This entire paragraph, and all subsequent are null and void if the bride has provided you with stiff directives about what to wear. It's her day, wear what she wants you to. It's the right thing to do, and isn't a commentary on your personal integrity.
